Hello! Crackers here, it's nearly Valentines day and of course as you all know I'm a real hit with the mares so I thought I would give you less fortunate geldings some top tips on how to deal with romance.
Firstly it is very very very important that you don't act interested at all. Mares don't like horses coming near them and in my experience if you get too close they have a tendency to say nasty things about your mane and try and kick you. So definitely stay away and act uninterested. If you are more into geldings this technique also works well as you don't wanna be seen as uncool and emotional with like feelings and stuffs (urgh).
Next make sure you do lots of spying on the object of your affections. This is really important as you'll need to know lots about her. Obviously the only way you can find this out is by spying on her. See above regarding actually speaking and approaching them.
Thirdly whenever she is looking at you make sure you look really really really cool. I recommend practising your top dressage moves, or galloping really fast, or trying to jump a hedge or something. I find prancy prancy really impresses the ladies and lets face it all the blokes want to be Valegro or at least date him so works for geldings too! Don't worry about your rider, they will be mega impressed with your awesome skills and won't be annoyed AT ALL.
Fourthly NEVER EVER EVER BE CLEAN. Mares hate clean horses. You need to look manly and strong. Have you ever noticed how all the girls on the yard crowd around when that weird farrier guy turns up? Yea he is never clean. Make notes. Never be clean. Roll in as much mud as possible to enhance your manly physique. If your human ever attempts to clean you and there are mares around make sure to make so much fuss they give up, you don't want them ruining your street cred.
Next up. Surprise them. Mares LOVE surprises. You could try hiding behind a hedge and jumping out with a romantic sprig of hay in your mouth? Or hide in a bunch of GIANT FLOWERS like I did and spring a romantic Valentines day surprise. Who doesn't like surprises?
Try hiding in some form of hedge and jumping out as a fun romantic surprise, they will be delighted to see you!
But what if I have a love rival I hear you cry? No worries my fellow love seekers I have the perfect solution. END HIM. Yep you heard me, destroy him. It's the only way. There is this stupid Arabian on our yard called Firefly who always has his eyes on Indigo and she's always swooning over him just cause he's all prancy and exotic looking. I've been secretly putting mouldy haylage in his feed for like a year now. I'm playing a slow game so as not to get caught, yep I know how these things work, I've been watching Alibi on the TV whilst everyone else is out riding.
So there we go my friends, my top tips on love. As you all know I'm really successful in this so I hope you all follow my advice and have great success.
Until next time
Crackers x
