I've allowed Crackers to write a blog post again and for that I am really very sorry!
Crackers here...ready to update you on my latest worldwide travels. This year we ventured to a place called Scotland.
I did not know much about Scotland before I left so I asked Billy what a Scotland was. He said it was where Shetland ponies came from. So I can't say I was optimistic about going, I really don't like those irritating little ponies. Especially after that annoying Casius stole my last carrot.
Mum said we had a lot of driving to do and advised I pack something to amuse myself with. I was again travelling in my nice purple pouch, apparently Debi had been in it again. Very annoying as he left lots of white hairs all over it, I'm pretty sure they are his not mine, he has far more white than me.
We didn't get to go in an aeroplane this year, just a car. But it was OK I found a nice snuggly bed in this large caterpillar thing
Mum was right about this driving thing, really really boring. Eventually we stopped for food at a thing called a service station. I've been to these before, mum always gets angry and says I can't have 20 packets of polos. She's very mean to me sometimes.
I wanted to have some breakfast but dad wouldn't share his with me. Those sausages look really good. Mum says I can't have sausages, she's silly.
I decided I should probably sleep for a bit and cuddled up in the duvet and caterpillar with mum. Eventually we reached Scotland. We came over this really large bridge, I definitely wouldn't walk over it. I'm pretty sure there are trolls underneath. Bridges are very dangerous things. I really don't understand why humans won't listen to my warnings about these things.
I wanted to look out the window at the view but there was an annoying small dog dinosaur creature in my way. But it's OK, I just knocked him over and told him to lie down. Dogs are so stupid, they will just do what you say.
After all that driving I was tired! And very annoyed to realise we were only at a hotel and not at the place we were going to stay. Apparently we had to go on a boat to get there, I don't know what that is but I bet it has trolls in it.
The bed was really comfy though, although mum and dad seemed more interested in laughing at the brown bathroom. Horses don't need bathrooms so I don't really understand them.
On the next day we did loads of driving again (boring) and eventually arrived in a place where I was allowed to get out and stretch my legs. I was having a good gallop around the car when suddenly I came across some demon creatures! I was running as fast as my legs could take me...
But they caught me! I thought this is it, this is it, this is the end of Crackers. I did not know what these strange creatures were but I was sure I should have stayed at home.
But then I thought NO! This is not how Crackers will end! Not like this! So I rallied my spirit, I leapt up I grabbed one of the evil creatures by the ear
I had him! He squealed and squealed and his companions ran off. He tasted pretty disgusting though...
At that point mum intervened and told me not to eat the wild haggis. I don't know what a haggis is, or what a wild haggis is, but I know I do not like them. I don't understand why mum brought them into our car.
We then went on the boat thing. Now I'm usually a very brave horse but this was ridiculous! This thing was floating over WATER. Just floating there! I HATE WATER. I knew I would drown. Even those aeroplane things were safer than this. I tried looking outside but it made me feel really ill.
Mum said that looking out the window really wouldn't help and maybe I should have a mint. I ate an entire packet of polos and continued to look out the window, she said that wasn't quite what she meant
We eventually arrived. There was much stress on our arrival at the house, something about keys and people having locked doors and lack of mobile signal. I did not understand these things. It was late when we arrived so I went straight to bed.
On the Monday we took a trip to a place called Harris. Apparently its an island, but its not a island. Which seems silly. There were lots of rocks. I'm not really a fan of rocks, all slippy under my hooves.
But we did stop at this cafe place. I had a quick browse of the menu and asked for a cream tea. I was told I could have a graze on the grass outside. I was not amused.
We also saw this other pony...there were a few ponies about. I liked this one because it was like a smaller fatter version of me.
That evening I decided to settle down and do a bit of light reading. I'm reading a book about brain surgery, I'm planning on retraining as a surgeon, although I think having hooves may be a bit of a problem. But it sounds like great fun cutting people's heads open.
The next day we went on another trip *yay*. First we visited some black houses. They weren't black. I'm starting to think this is a place full of silly names, islands that aren't islands, black houses that aren't black.
In one I saw a loom. This is where they weave the Harris tweed, although its not on Harris. Yep more silly naming.
We then visited some sacred stones. This was way more fun! It was really windy but mum let me have a climb about. I wanted to go and roll in the mud but she grabbed me before I was able to do a spectacular dive from my rock. Something about it being BMECS in October and me having to look half decent.
I saw another pony there and attempted to communicate with him. He didn't speak back, I heard they speak a different language on this island and suspect maybe he didn't understand me.
To finish off our day we went to a beach! I've never been to one of these before and it was really good fun. I was able to gallop and gallop and gallop. I got covered in this horrible sand stuff, I'm still picking it out of my mane now. That was annoying. Also the water tasted really salty.
I tried to eat this seaweed stuff, it was disgusting and it made my tummy feel really ill.
That night I had to have a good lie down. Mum said something about sand colic and I said I only ate a few bites of sand. She called me an idiot and told me not to roll.
The next day was really boring, mum went to visit relatives (whatever those are) and I had to stay in my pouch all day.
However, on the next day we visited more relatives but they took us places and I was allowed out for a bit. We visited this lighthouse thing that was MASSIVE. There were also really awesome cliffs. Mum held onto me really tight, apparently she doesn't trust me around cliffs.
We then went to look at more cliffs. But in the car park there was a sofa. I was tired from all this walking and had a bit of a lie down.
That evening was our last night. It was a very short holiday. Mum said it would take two days to get home, I was not amused at having to go on a boat thing again.
The next day we headed off, it was raining loads and mum and dad took some special tablets to stop them being ill because it 'looked rough'. They didn't share any with me though. Selfish.
On the boat I decided to play Brendon at Connect 4. It is a pretty easy game. I won, every time. All you have to do is put four counters in a row yet he seemed incapable of doing it. Clearly I'm just intellectual far superior to him.
After lots more driving mum and dad stopped at a hotel. We went for dinner in a very nice restaurant. I was stressed from all that driving and boats and needed a stiff drink. So when mum wasn't looking I snuck a sip of her vodka and lemonade...shhhh...don't tell!
All that vodka made me really sleepy. So I snuggled up in the giant caterpillar on the bed and went to sleep. It had been such a tiring week.
The next morning I was in a really bad mood. Mum said we had a 7 hour drive and I should behave myself. I hate both driving and behaving myself.
But then we went to breakfast. I've never experienced a breakfast buffet before and let me tell you, it was the greatest thing known to man kind. There was no food they did not have and you could eat as much as you wanted!
Mum said I should take it gentle as we had a long drive but I was NOT going to miss this opportunity.
And that was it. We were soon (I say that with an incredible sense of irony) home and I was able to snuggle up in my stable and tell Minstrel all about my travels. I can't wait to see Billie and the other horses and tell them all about my latest amazing adventure!
Can't wait till next years trip!