Crackers Went on Holiday (Again)

Greetings human followers tis I Crackers your much beloved Julip. I am here, yet again, to tell you of my travels. I have just returned from my second trip to the great nation of Canada, home of the maple syrup (so hard to get out of your mane) and the poutine (so hard to get out of your mane). This year we took the small human with us, I'd never travelled with the small human before and frankly I found it quite annoying. It makes a lot of noise and seems to get far more food than I do which I found completely unreasonable.

My adventures started, as they so often do, at an airport. I am not a fan of airports as they usually require me to be stuffed into an unreasonably cramped hand luggage bag against my will. This time was no different. Pushed up against a cuddly frog who quite frankly was not a very good conversationalist, x-rayed against my consent, and then forced to spend the flight in an overhead locker because there was "no seat in front". An insult to my dignity. Note how the tiny human got her own bed and how I have never been offered such luxuries.

When we arrived the humans seemed rather stressed. Apparently not being able to find ones "Air BnB" and then discovering it didn't have a lockable door and was dirty was a problem? I'd like to point out that at no point has anyone ever offered me a lock on my stable door and there are frequently cobwebs, spiders and dead flies in there and nobody seems to care. I did feel a little bad for the existing horse occupant though who didn't have any roof on his shelter and seemed a little unhappy about that fact when it rained.

The next day this was a problem that needed solving according to the humans so I went to the different humans "Air BnB" (still no idea what that is, looked like a house to me) and had a look around. There were some lovely views of what I am told is the Ottawa river and lots of pretty trees. I must say the trees in Canada are far superior to the trees back home, lots more colours. Eventually the humans seemed to have solved this apparent crisis and we got to FINALLY EAT SOME FOOD. Of course I had to have some poutine so we headed to the cheese place to get some. The problem with poutine is that one does tend to get gravy in one's mane which is very annoying and took me ages to wash out.

We then arrived at our new accommodation which was very nice. They had flowers in a pot but I promptly discovered that these were fake when I tried to eat them. Who has fake flowers? Very strange. Anyway, I got an entire bed to myself which was AMAZING and completely unheard of in my previous travels so I did feel that things had improved quite a lot.

Day 2 of my adventures and we headed to a place called Lachute for a market. It was a boring market, no horses and the humans wouldn't buy me a massive bag of carrots. Awful start to the day. We then went to Park Omega to see some animals. I am always confused as to why the humans want to see animals when they can just see me but alas they do not always appreciate my great beauty. We saw many an animal but the highlight for me was to meet some Przwalskii horses. I did find them a little rude, pushing their heads in, demanding carrots (did I mention WE DID NOT HAVE CARROTS). I did appreciate that the wolves and bears were not by the car as I hear they eat horses and I prefer to eat rather than be eaten.

Day 3 and we headed "into the mountains". Frankly I've seen better mountains but whatever. When there we visited a sanctuary to Our Lady of Lourdes. At the real Lourdes you can be healed of your ailments but apparently that is not the case here and so I couldn't get my bag legs healed. I have mentioned to the human that maybe I need to see a vet about this but she says I'm being melodramatic and what do I expect when I'm over 20 years old and get carted around in a bag all the time.

Day 4 and the human decided they would visit a place called Cornwall. Apparently this is not the same Cornwall as is in England because I got very confused and couldn't understand why we would come all the way to Canada just to see somewhere that is in England. It was very different from real Cornwall as well. Firstly, there were no nice beaches and secondly I was not provided with a single cream tea. Most disappointing. I did get to see 'America' though which was across the river. It looked exactly the same as Canada so I'm not entirely sure what all the hype was about. Whilst there we visited a dam visitor's centre (honestly these humans will really do anything if it's free). I learned more about dams than I have ever wished to know. Frankly, I am thinking of installing one in my water trough just to punish the humans for dragging me around this ridiculous place. We then visited the Museum of Cornwall. Frankly, I think you need to do a bit more than have a few soldiers and a lot of dead people to have a museum but who am I to judge. Maybe I'm still just bitter about the lack of cream teas. 

Day 5 and we headed to a place called Ottawa to see a nuclear bunker. Again, the humans will literally do anything (this one wasn't even free). I had never been so far underground before so that was a new experience. It is pretty much the same as above ground but there is no grass and a lot of things about the whole of the planet being destroyed, which was a bit depressing. I got to see some nuclear bombs (these are apparently bad things that kill horses) and also a giant vault that is supposed to have lots of gold in it but actually didn't have any gold in it so I couldn't even steal some and go back to buy those carrots. Afterwards we went to a Farming and Agriculture Museum. This excited me as I was sure there would be food and carrots here. There was not. 0/10. I did get to meet a Newfoundland Pony and asked him why he was so small when the dogs are so big but got told off by the human because apparently it is rude to make comments about someone's height. There was also a man who had cats in his car which was very peculiar indeed. Cats live in stables, not cars. So strange. One of the other horses had apparently been in the police and I don't trust the coppers so I ignored him.

Day 6 and 7 were VERY BORING. The humans went to visit 'family'. Frankly I do not see the point, I haven't seen my mother since I was 6 months old and never even met my father so I do not know the point. There was, however, a lot of food so that was very good. I even got to eat some more poutine. In the evening of the Saturday the humans got big ice creams from DQ (and let me have some) and then watched some very weird Canadian television. I've never watched competitive stone skipping before, not sure I would again.

Day 8 and we headed to the Museum of War. I guess this like the Imperial War Museum but with a more intimidating title. We arrived and got to go underground again (I'm basically a hobbit at this point) before entering the museum. A more depressing subject for a museum I could not imagine. Send me back to the farm museum at least that had cows. It baffles me why the humans insist on always trying to kill each other all the time. I mean I can't stand Firefly but I'm not sure I'd put him in a trench and shoot at him with a gun, that seems a bit over the top.

Day 9 was our final full day here in Canada. Today the humans took me to the History Museum. It had a lot of totem poles which were very big and that was quite fun to look at. I learned a lot about how the first nations peoples used to live and then I learned how the other humans killed them all and destroyed their way of life (again with the killing). 

And that was it, my first holiday in quite some time. Was nice to let my mane down and experience some good fresh Canadian air (although there is a new funny smell in the towns...). I look forward to reporting back again in future but until then, safe travels and don't forget to buy your horses more carrots.

Crackers x

Crackers Day at the Beach

 I posted this on Instagram today and thought I would post the whole thing in one go for those who want to read the whole story in one. It's been a while since we've had many updates from Crackers so I thought it would be nice to have some new stories for 2025.

Crackers' Trip to the Beach

Chloe was ecstatic, she had been nagging her mum for months to let them take the horses to the beach. Her friend Sarah had taken her perfect little pony club pony, Mocha, to the beach in July and had been going on about it ever since. Not a day went by when she didn't think to tell Chloe about how beneficial it would be to take the horses down and how good it was for their legs to ride in the salt water, although of course, she would also make a point of saying how it probably wouldn't make much difference for a 'cob like Crackers'. Chloe seriously wondered why she still hung around with Sarah and her gang of perfect pony club pals but then she remembered that she lets her use her fancy shampoo at Pony Club camp and allows her to put Crackers in her fancy lorry to go to shows and thought it was probably worth all the jabs and jibes.

But today her mother had finally relented. She agreed that they could borrow a horse box and take Crackers and Billy down to the beach. Chloe and Edward were over the moon, they couldn't wait to gallop across the golden sands and feel the spray of the surf against their feet. The only slight problem was that it was currently January, and in the UK, and all three appeared to have conveniently forgotten that even on a sunny day like today it was hardly going to be barmy. When they got there the wind was horrific. The moment they opened the car door it whipped against them, pushing the door back and nearly making it slam into the van next door. Chloe groaned, Crackers HATED the wind. Actually, she mused, he hated all weather. For a cob he seemed remarkably fair weather minded and she just knew he wasn't going to be amused at being made to get out and walk along a freezing cold beach in a gale.

The moment she got Crackers out of the lorry she realised he was not going to be in the mood. He was immediately on his toes, snorting and throwing his head in the air, arching his back and tail like an Arab and prancing on the spot. She was so glad she had travelled him in his tack, there was no way she'd be able to get a saddle on him when he was like this. Billy, meanwhile, was, as usual completely indifferent to the whole experience. Interested only in eating the wisps of grass by the side of the car park and sniffing at Edward's pockets in the hope that he might find some polos.

With some effort Edward and Chloe's mother managed to restrain an angry Crackers so that she could get on his back. Reluctantly he stood still stamping his feet and shoving his ears back determined to show his absolute disgust at being made to get out of bed early on a Sunday morning in order to freeze his hooves off. Crackers wasn't quite sure why he couldn't' have just gone for a ride at home, in the shelter, or preferably, just stayed in bed, why instead did he have to get out of bed and come to this god forsaken place? Accompanied by their mother and a sleepy Billy and Edward they walked down onto the beach. In front of them was a long line of white sand, covered in sea weed and there in the distance was a grey angry sea, whipping up huge waves of foam that crashed against the beach, bringing with them all manner of rubbish and detritus. Picking their way through plastic bottles, sea weed and old fishing lines they walked down to the sea and ambled along the line of the surf. 

"Once you get used to it it really isn't that bad" Chloe chattered her teeth as she turned a forced smile to Edward. On the way Edward had been just as enthusiastic as her but now they were here she couldn't work out who was more annoyed, him or Crackers, who now had his head down trying to keep his long mane out of his eyes and turn himself into the wind whilst also walking in a straight line. For an uncoordinated Cob this wasn't the easiest of feats and he nearly fell over his own legs multiple times. 

"Why don't we have a canter?" Chloe suggested as they walked along, "Might warm us up".

Edward groaned. He was pretty sure that going faster was not going to improve the feeling of stinging cold spray against his face, but Chloe had already kicked Crackers on and the grumpy Cob, always willing to get things over with as quickly as possible had galloped off into the distance. Billy was less enthusiastic and loped along at a pitiful attempt at a canter for a few strides before giving up, trotting for a bit before eventually grinding to a full halt and falling back to sleep.

At first Crackers had thought galloping would improve the situation. He was wrong. Very wrong. Far from making him warmer he was now distinctly colder. How could rain hurt? He'd never felt rain that hurt before? It was winder, he was fat, he was fluffy, he hadn't been clipped this year and was pretty sure his winter coat was supposed to protect him from things like rain, but yet he could still feel it. Yes this was not fun. He'd had enough. Time to stop. But as he pulled up Chloe kicked him on, determined to live out her fantasy of galloping through the surf like a romantic heroin in one of those Edwardian novels she had become so obsessed with recently. Crackers, however, was not living out his fantasies. He was living a nightmare. He'd had enough and with a great effort he threw his quarters into the air and with an all mighty buck sent Chloe flying into the sand. Grinding to a halt he decided he needed a snack after all that effort and started to nibble on the strange black thick grass that lay about in the sand. 

Soaking wet and sore Chloe turned to look at Crackers, seaweed sticking out of his mouth, sand in his mane and tail, reins around his neck and genuinely looking a frightful sight. With a stomp she walked up to him, pulled the seaweed out of his mouth, grabbed his reins and trundled back to Edward who was sat on a sleepy Billy chatting to his mother and trying not to laugh.

"Home?" her mother suggested.

"Home." Chloe agreed. Wondering whether maybe she should try the moors next, afterall, those were also romantic weren't they?