Greetings human followers tis I Crackers your much beloved Julip. I am here, yet again, to tell you of my travels. I have just returned from my second trip to the great nation of Canada, home of the maple syrup (so hard to get out of your mane) and the poutine (so hard to get out of your mane). This year we took the small human with us, I'd never travelled with the small human before and frankly I found it quite annoying. It makes a lot of noise and seems to get far more food than I do which I found completely unreasonable.
My adventures started, as they so often do, at an airport. I am not a fan of airports as they usually require me to be stuffed into an unreasonably cramped hand luggage bag against my will. This time was no different. Pushed up against a cuddly frog who quite frankly was not a very good conversationalist, x-rayed against my consent, and then forced to spend the flight in an overhead locker because there was "no seat in front". An insult to my dignity. Note how the tiny human got her own bed and how I have never been offered such luxuries.
When we arrived the humans seemed rather stressed. Apparently not being able to find ones "Air BnB" and then discovering it didn't have a lockable door and was dirty was a problem? I'd like to point out that at no point has anyone ever offered me a lock on my stable door and there are frequently cobwebs, spiders and dead flies in there and nobody seems to care. I did feel a little bad for the existing horse occupant though who didn't have any roof on his shelter and seemed a little unhappy about that fact when it rained.
The next day this was a problem that needed solving according to the humans so I went to the different humans "Air BnB" (still no idea what that is, looked like a house to me) and had a look around. There were some lovely views of what I am told is the Ottawa river and lots of pretty trees. I must say the trees in Canada are far superior to the trees back home, lots more colours. Eventually the humans seemed to have solved this apparent crisis and we got to FINALLY EAT SOME FOOD. Of course I had to have some poutine so we headed to the cheese place to get some. The problem with poutine is that one does tend to get gravy in one's mane which is very annoying and took me ages to wash out.
We then arrived at our new accommodation which was very nice. They had flowers in a pot but I promptly discovered that these were fake when I tried to eat them. Who has fake flowers? Very strange. Anyway, I got an entire bed to myself which was AMAZING and completely unheard of in my previous travels so I did feel that things had improved quite a lot.
Day 2 of my adventures and we headed to a place called Lachute for a market. It was a boring market, no horses and the humans wouldn't buy me a massive bag of carrots. Awful start to the day. We then went to Park Omega to see some animals. I am always confused as to why the humans want to see animals when they can just see me but alas they do not always appreciate my great beauty. We saw many an animal but the highlight for me was to meet some Przwalskii horses. I did find them a little rude, pushing their heads in, demanding carrots (did I mention WE DID NOT HAVE CARROTS). I did appreciate that the wolves and bears were not by the car as I hear they eat horses and I prefer to eat rather than be eaten.
Day 3 and we headed "into the mountains". Frankly I've seen better mountains but whatever. When there we visited a sanctuary to Our Lady of Lourdes. At the real Lourdes you can be healed of your ailments but apparently that is not the case here and so I couldn't get my bag legs healed. I have mentioned to the human that maybe I need to see a vet about this but she says I'm being melodramatic and what do I expect when I'm over 20 years old and get carted around in a bag all the time.
Day 4 and the human decided they would visit a place called Cornwall. Apparently this is not the same Cornwall as is in England because I got very confused and couldn't understand why we would come all the way to Canada just to see somewhere that is in England. It was very different from real Cornwall as well. Firstly, there were no nice beaches and secondly I was not provided with a single cream tea. Most disappointing. I did get to see 'America' though which was across the river. It looked exactly the same as Canada so I'm not entirely sure what all the hype was about. Whilst there we visited a dam visitor's centre (honestly these humans will really do anything if it's free). I learned more about dams than I have ever wished to know. Frankly, I am thinking of installing one in my water trough just to punish the humans for dragging me around this ridiculous place. We then visited the Museum of Cornwall. Frankly, I think you need to do a bit more than have a few soldiers and a lot of dead people to have a museum but who am I to judge. Maybe I'm still just bitter about the lack of cream teas.
Day 5 and we headed to a place called Ottawa to see a nuclear bunker. Again, the humans will literally do anything (this one wasn't even free). I had never been so far underground before so that was a new experience. It is pretty much the same as above ground but there is no grass and a lot of things about the whole of the planet being destroyed, which was a bit depressing. I got to see some nuclear bombs (these are apparently bad things that kill horses) and also a giant vault that is supposed to have lots of gold in it but actually didn't have any gold in it so I couldn't even steal some and go back to buy those carrots. Afterwards we went to a Farming and Agriculture Museum. This excited me as I was sure there would be food and carrots here. There was not. 0/10. I did get to meet a Newfoundland Pony and asked him why he was so small when the dogs are so big but got told off by the human because apparently it is rude to make comments about someone's height. There was also a man who had cats in his car which was very peculiar indeed. Cats live in stables, not cars. So strange. One of the other horses had apparently been in the police and I don't trust the coppers so I ignored him.
Day 6 and 7 were VERY BORING. The humans went to visit 'family'. Frankly I do not see the point, I haven't seen my mother since I was 6 months old and never even met my father so I do not know the point. There was, however, a lot of food so that was very good. I even got to eat some more poutine. In the evening of the Saturday the humans got big ice creams from DQ (and let me have some) and then watched some very weird Canadian television. I've never watched competitive stone skipping before, not sure I would again.
Day 8 and we headed to the Museum of War. I guess this like the Imperial War Museum but with a more intimidating title. We arrived and got to go underground again (I'm basically a hobbit at this point) before entering the museum. A more depressing subject for a museum I could not imagine. Send me back to the farm museum at least that had cows. It baffles me why the humans insist on always trying to kill each other all the time. I mean I can't stand Firefly but I'm not sure I'd put him in a trench and shoot at him with a gun, that seems a bit over the top.
Day 9 was our final full day here in Canada. Today the humans took me to the History Museum. It had a lot of totem poles which were very big and that was quite fun to look at. I learned a lot about how the first nations peoples used to live and then I learned how the other humans killed them all and destroyed their way of life (again with the killing).
And that was it, my first holiday in quite some time. Was nice to let my mane down and experience some good fresh Canadian air (although there is a new funny smell in the towns...). I look forward to reporting back again in future but until then, safe travels and don't forget to buy your horses more carrots.
Crackers x
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